Sunday, January 22, 2006

'Isn't suicide bombing a bit extreme?'

The Phat Phree

Oh, hey fellas. Salaam. What’s up? I didn’t hear you guys come in.

What? No, I wasn’t hiding. I was just under my bed Aren't you guys early? It can’t be eleven already, can it? Oh yeah, look at that. It is. Huh. So, today’s the day huh? Wow. That really jumped up on us didn’t it? Seems like just yesterday that we were planning this whole suicide bombing thing out. But today’s the big show. Man.

Ya know, I don’t want to be “Johnny Party Pooper” here, but I just saw on the news that it might rain today. Yeah, like a 30 percent chance. Talk about bad luck huh? I mean, what if the fuses get wet? That would be pretty embarrassing. Us just running around in the town square like idiots, not exploding. So I’m thinking maybe we should put this off a few more days till this cold front moves through, just to play it safe. Who’s with me? No one? That’s cool.

Well, I’ll tell ya what. If it’s okay by you guys, I’m just going to catch up with you all a little later. I’m not feeling so hot right now. I think I had some bad goat at lunch and I’m about to declare a jihad on my toilet. So I’ll probably just meet you boys down at the Bazaar.

No? You want me to come right now. Right.

Okay, you know what guys? Can I say something here? I’m just going to throw this out there and see if it sticks. I know that we’re all pretty excited about the whole suicide bombing thing, but the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that it might be a little over the top. Ya know? Is anyone else feelin’ me on this? No one?

I’ll explain. First off, let me start by saying that I hate the Americans. Hate them. I think you all know that. I’ve proven that time and time again. Whose idea was it to put the George Bush picture on the dart board at underground headquarters? That would be this guy right here. Remember? Americans are jerks. And I don’t want their revolting Western influence contaminating our land and people any more than you guys do. I hate oppression. Ask anyone. Emad, tell them.

But I refuse to believe that there’s not a way for us to get that point across that doesn’t involve us detonating ourselves as human bombs.

Hey, how about this? What about a good old fashioned egging? You know, like back in our high school days. We’ll sneak over to the U.S. Base late at night and just egg the heck out of everything. It’ll be a gas! Then we could go back in the morning and watch them trying to get all that egg off their Hummers and barracks and stuff. They’ll probably be like, “Grrr...If we ever catch who did this....” And we can all be like, “Hey Americans, we see that you’re making us breakfast!” Or something funny like that. Oh man, I’ll bet that would burn them up! Who’s with me? Nobody?

You guys want to kill them. Right. You’re pretty hung up on that. Okay, well then let me bounce this off of you. I know that this is going to sound weird, but what if we killed them... without killing ourselves?

Bear with me on this one guys. There have been tremendous strides in weaponry over the past two hundred years that I really think we should embrace. Have you ever heard of hand grenades? They are kick-ass. They blow up, just like we do when we suicide bomb, but with grenades we don’t have to blow up too. You just toss it near the person-slash-people that you want to die, while you remain at a safe distance! Booya! It just makes sense. No?

Well why the hell not? Oh right. The ultimate sacrifice. Paradise and 72 virgins will await each of us. Well, I’m not much of a reader so I can’t claim to have seen that particular Koran passage, but I do have kind of a hard time believing that Allah, who is supposedly all about peace and tolerance, would be gung-ho about us killing people in droves. But once again, I’ve only skimmed it.

And really, how entertaining would 72 virgins be anyways? They didn’t get to Paradise for being any fun. Sounds like a lot of work to me. Am I right?

Okay! Fine! I’ll go with you guys. But I’m going on record as saying that this is a pretty stupid plan. And I want you all to know that I just got a year’s subscription to Maxim that I guess is just going to go to waste now. So I hope you’re all happy about that. Jerks.

posted by Crash Test Dummy at 5:11 PM :: Permalink ::

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