Friday, December 16, 2005

HR Plans A Christmas Party

> Subject: Christmas Party
> This is a riot for anyone who works in an office and understands all
> the issues that HR goes through
> now with Diversity and an "Inclusive Environment". Enjoy! (Be sure to
> read to the end.)
> Subject: Christmas Party
>
>
> FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE: 4th November
>
> RE: Christmas Party
>
> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
> place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the
> Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
> We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free
> to sing along.
>
> And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as
> Santa
> Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.
>
> Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
> no
> gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
> everyone's
> pockets.
>
> This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make
> a
> special announcement at the Party.
> Merry
> Christmas to you and your Family.
>
> Pauline
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE: 5th November
>
> RE: Holiday Party
>
> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
> employees.
> We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
> coincides
> with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now
> on
> we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any
> other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas
> tree or
> Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
> enjoyment.
>
> Happy now?
>
> Happy Holidays to you and your family,
>
> Pauline.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE: 6th November
>
> RE: Holiday Party
>
> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
> requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
> to
> accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
> "AA
> Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to
> handle
> this? Somebody?
>
> Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the
> Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management
> believe
> $10.00 is a little cheap.
>
> NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
>
> Pauline.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE: 7th November
>
> RE: Holiday Party
>
> What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
> the
> Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
> daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can ! appreciate
> how a
> luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
> employees'
> beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
> until
> the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take
> home
> in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
>
> Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
> farthest
> from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest
> to
> the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not
> have
> to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.
>
> Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.
>
> To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
> allowed.
>
> We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
> available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
> food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food
> first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
> restaurant
> cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
>
> Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
>
> Pauline.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: All F****** Employees
>
> DATE: 8 November
>
> RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
>
> Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
> this
> party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
> quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so
> quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
> tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when
> you
> slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right
> NOW!!
>
> Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!
>
> The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
> DATE: 9t! h November
>
> RE:
> Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
>
> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
> recovery,
> and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
>
> In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
> and
> instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with
> full
> pay.

posted by David at 2:29 AM :: Permalink ::